Emily

Emily was a friend who was always there for me.  She had a way of swooping in and taking care of everything.  She was there in the most confident way, in that, she didn’t wait to be asked she just sprung into action when she was needed.  There were times she would even ask if she could help me with things that would certainly be more trouble for her than she ever let on.  There are moments in my life that I will look back on and see her there.  When Keaton was born, November 12, 2004, Emily was the first person to visit.  We couldn’t yet have visitors but she brought in Italian lemon cake.  When we first met, we went out together and shared a piece of Italian lemon cake.  It was, literally, a sweet gesture and something I recall as the loveliest thing someone could do for me.  I was also hungry, let us be honest here.  It was perfect in the way Emily was a perfect friend.

A couple of years later, after Keaton was born, Keaton’s dad had a stroke.  He was only 33 at the time.  It was a scary moment for the family. Emily stepped up and told me she had everything taken care of at work.  She told me not to worry about anything and to take time to be at the hospital.  She was with me for the moments of joy and the moments of sadness when I needed the most support.  Keaton’s dad’s health improved.  The marriage wasn’t doing well at the time and we struggled through it even though the health scare seemed to bring us together, it couldn’t keep us together.  We separated and I turned to Emily for a friend to talk to and figure out what was going to happen next.  Emily had also been through a divorce.  Emily was the strongest person I knew.  She battled cancer for over 21 years.  She got out of a marriage that wasn’t working during that time and maintained this beautiful perspective about life.  She was an inspiration to me.  Emily was also a mother of two super awesome boys.  We shared stories of our kids growing up over the almost 18 year span that we were friends.

I became involved with a group of Emily’s friend who created a calendar and we all took turns brining Emily dinner.  She was going through chemo treatments that would mean she had to be homebound for a while.  This was happening around 2009.  Things were improving and I heard of a benefit that was being organized for her.  I offered my band to play at the benefit.  She was as radiant as ever.  We hugged and talked and over 1,000 people were there to honor her.  My band played a set and the crowd of families and friends danced and sang.  It was a tribute for such a beautiful person.  All of these kind people all gathered together to praise her and let her know we were there for her.

She started doing well and was back to work.  We had lunches together at least once a month.  Emily had so many friends, I felt lucky to be able to get time with her.  I shared stories about meeting Mason and I was able to introduce the two.  Emily was a huge Cubs fan.  It was something we had a friendly rivalry about throughout our friendship.  She invited me to join her and her boyfriend at a Cardinals/Cubs game in St. Louis.  My band just finished playing the Famers’ Market that morning in Bloomington and we headed down after that.  We all met up with Mason at the game and they were able to meet and hang out.

Emily used to instant message me at work.  It was the funniest thing as she would usually send a message like: You have to try this ‘insert new recipe or restaurant here.’  or she would ask me about the weekend and we could catch up on our lives.  She was the most encouraging friend I had.  She would message me or text me and say: I really think you need to start a blog.  I love the way you write and you should write about your thoughts and the experiences you have in restaurants.  It would be so great.  You could write about the band and being a mom.  It was like she was always thinking of me and would let me know about something super cool I was interested in at any moment.  I loved that.  I loved knowing she was a couple of buildings away at work and so instantly available to chat with and laugh with and I think she felt that way about me too.  She was the best person to talk to about co-parenting.  She had real advice and it was loving and truly intentional.  Emily was a friend who followed through.  She didn’t just say ‘hey let’s do this thing!  She would say ‘hey let’s do this thing!’ and then we for real actually do the thing.  She was the real deal.

One of my favorite memories of Emily was when I asked her to be in my wedding.  We had lunch at Thai House, one of our favorite places for lunch.  We often called it our place because she was the friend I went there with the most or, perhaps, exclusively.  The server just placed the Vietnamese spring rolls in front of us and I asked if she would be a maid of honor at my wedding to Mason.  Her eyes welled up with tears.  This made my eyes well up with tears.  She stood up in the middle of Thai House and hugged me and accepted.  Amazing.  I wanted to share this day with her and now it would happen.

Emily met Leann soon after this moment.  Leann was the second maid of honor in the wedding.  These two became instant friends.  No surprise to me, they got along so well.  They were the perfect planners and I don’t know if I have ever laughed so hard hanging out with the two of them together as much as I did at this time.  I remember sending Leann and Emily dress ideas and food ideas.  We love food.  The three of us together love food and we talked about food a lot.  Emily and Leann set up a girls weekend, known as a bachelorette party, the week before the wedding that was very food focused.  We spent the weekend in the Bolingbrook/Naperville area.  We all stayed in our house as Mason was away for the weekend.  My friend, Julie and I drove up to meet up with Emily and Leann there.  It was painting, nails, and Le Chocolat macaroons and martinis followed by sharing plates at a tapas restaurant called Meson Sebika.  There wasn’t a more me evening we could have.  It was incredibly thoughtful and planned out to the detail.  We had the best time.  We met up with Christin for breakfast the next day.  It was truly memorable and such a bright spot in my life at the time and always.

During the wedding, the weekend of September 5, 2015, Emily was, of course, a beacon of light.  She was bubbly and fun.  She was silly and carefree.  Emily was the person I had aspired to be like.  She had this way of effortlessly solving problems that made me envy her.  She didn’t stress out the way I did.  She was going through so much and had challenges of living with stage 4 cancer and she still didn’t have the anxiety I had about everything.  I turned to her for peace and calm.  She was that strength I needed when I thought I had none.  This was still true for the wedding.  She was there to laugh with us and have fun.  The night before and the day of she was driving us from place to place.  She was picking up the cake with Leann and solving problems there without saying a word to the bride to keep everything serene and amazing.  She was serene and amazing.

The news of Emily passing was posted on April 13, 2018.  As we get closer to the third anniversary of my wedding, I think about her.  These were the days of the girls weekend, right now and these are the days of the wedding prep talks and the days where we remember our big day and we remember her.  This year, we remember Emily and the light and love she brought into our wedding and into our lives.  Knowing she is no longer her on this earth is something that I still find difficult to believe is real.  She is always with me.  She is still here for me as I remember her words and feel the vibrant spirit that she shared with us.  She made such an impact on us by just being herself.  She had a genuine soul and a beautiful heart.  Her memory lives on and I write to share what she meant to me as a friend to inspire others.  She had a selfless nature and her kindness, sense of humor and strength with always be with me.

I miss you, Emily.  I want you to know I’m back in St. Louis.  I’m working part-time at the Garlic Press!  I want you to know these things I never got to tell you and you’d be so happy for me.  I looked to you for that and I know that is how you would feel.  Thank you for inspiring me to do the things I want to do.  Thank you for helping me find peace with my mom and thank you for always being so awesome.  I think you always knew I felt this way about you but I want to say it again.  Thank you.

Perfect, Peaceful and Powerful

If you remove the second words from each of the two personality types I scored highest in when I read this book, the words would be: “Perfect Peaceful.”  I kind of wish we could just stop right that and let me be contented with that title.  That, however; would only be a half truth and we are reading the book to learn more about ourselves and embrace those truths (and/or learn how to be self aware and adjust them to better love our friends and family.)

Mason and I began reading this book as part of an assignment, of sorts, from our therapy sessions.  I did some research a few months ago and found a therapist who I thought would be a good fit for us and, after the first chat with her, I think we knew she would be great.  To provide some background about why we would go to counseling I would say it was that we were seeking how to better communicate with one another.  Mason and I are very different people.  This is not a shocking revelation.  We knew from the first words and phrases we exchanged with one another that we were very different personalities and I believe that is one thing that attracted us to one another.  As easy as these qualities have drawn us together we learned that these same qualities (or strengths and weaknesses) would work against us, at times, to build walls and make us feel distant.  This awareness is huge.  I’m not just saying that because I pushed to seek therapy but also because relationships are not easy and by thinking they are you have subscribed to a myth and you are enabling doom.  I would rather not enable doom so we are trying this.

So, we are reading the book, “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer.  In my best Oprah voice, “I was exciiiiiiiited!”  I love books.  I love reading.  I love personality quizzes.  I love reading books about personality quizzes.  I was set and ready to go.  I took the book to 222 Artisan Bakery.  I ordered a veggie sandwich with olive tapenade and hummus on toasted sourdough bread baked in house and took the quiz.  You have to answer 40 questions about strengths and 40 questions about weaknesses.  It was simple enough.  You had to chose the  most suitable word, out of four words on forty different lines.  There is math involved, thankfully, very little.

It was not surprising to me to scored the very highest in a category called ‘Perfect Melancholy.”  The Perfect Melancholy is deep and thoughtful.  The words, “Genius Prone” were listed here and I didn’t make that up (but I would if I could.)  This personality type is sensitive to others, talented and creative, appreciative of beauty, analytical and idealistic.  All of these qualities do very much sound like me.  This personality types likes lists, graphs, charts and is neat and tidy.  This is where we should insert the sound of a record scratching.  Anyone who knows me well also knows I’m not neat and tidy.  I’m somewhat orderly but I wouldn’t say I’m neat and tidy.  I like lists.  I write about bands and rank songs and put them in order on a list.  I am not, however, super into charts and graphs and pictorial representations of facts and figures.  That said, this is what I am the closest to when I took the quiz.  The second personality type I scored closest to is called, “Peaceful Phlegmatic.”  This personality type is witty, calm, kind and avoids conflict at all costs.  This personality type needs quiet, has few enemies and is a good listener.  I’m mostly these things.  This personality type is indecisive.  That is definitely me.  The combination of being indecisive and avoiding conflict has been well, a point of conflict at times.  I don’t want to cause conflict so I become incredibly flexible and may too accommodating.  This can be a weakness when moved to an extreme.

I know what you are thinking… how can anyone not enjoy being around a ‘Perfect/Peaceful?”  Maybe you aren’t thinking that.  The book goes into the strengths and states how any of these qualities can be annoying or overwhelming to others.  I realize this may be hard to digest… especially if you are a Perfect Melancholy and Peaceful Phlegmatic like me.  I have been told, on multiple occasions, I think I am cooler than other people or I think I’m better than other people.  That hurts but, that said, I truly don’t feel this is true.  Still, I can see where the temperament may suggest that is so.  Someone, like myself, who is reflective and often calm and quiet.  Especially from the perspective of someone who has the opposite temperament.  I also do love lists and keeping schedules.  This can appear to be pushy or rude to others who don’t want to plan out their day.  I truly wake up with a bullet item type list of things I want to do that day.  I often express this to someone nearby.  I often think about the next couple of days and what I know has to be accomplished during that time.  In some ways, this is awesome.  I can plan ahead and not miss even one appointment.  The bad news is, it can appear to be overbearing.  I like to look at menus to restaurants I’m going to visit before I visit them.  This way I know what I want when I get there (or continue to struggle choosing because I’m indecisive.)  Feelings I have about almost any topic may be withheld because of not wanting to cause conflict.  This can lead to resentment and other bad feelings.

I need to share the positive things about these personality types now too.  Being sensitive to others feeling and being a good listener and really positive things.  When it comes to having friends and being liked, I do rather well.  People usually like me and want to hang out with me.  I need friends too.  These personality types truly thrive on communicating with others.  I know for a fact I need deep, meaningful conversation with others.  I know I need eye contact and not being dismissed when I talk about something.  I also know I talk a lot and that can be a challenge, I’m sure, for others who may not be as talkative (or someone who has to be talkative as part of his line of work and may want some solitary time to chill out and unwind and not be bombarded with conversation.)  It can be a struggle.  A big reason I enjoy writing so much and the reason it does so much for me is because I can be expressive and that needs to get out.  The deep conversation thing has been with me forever.  I can overanalyze the most simple conversation.  It can be lovely and it can be exhausting too.

Mason scored into the complimentary personality type corresponding with mine and it is called, ‘Strong Choleric.”  This personality is more aggressive, passionate, leader-like, confident and good at problem solving.  Also, this personality is low on empathy, impatient and uncomfortable around emotion.  This is completely opposite of me.  I feel if I would have read this description on paper I would say, no thanks to this personality for anyone I know.  On the contrary, these are qualities I lack and envy.  These are qualities that I have learned from and grown from to become stronger and more confident.  So, they aren’t that terrible after all.  I think the hardest thing to understand is that opposing forces can work well together to be really great.  In my marriage, I see those great things quite frequently.  I see it when we laugh together.  I see it when we are able to be open with each other and comfort each other.  I see it the way I can listen and provide empathy and the way Mason can forge ahead in times that feel really difficult.  I can worry about the unknown and Mason can reassure me it will be okay.  Mason can lose his patience with someone and I can share with him ways to stay calm and not lose his cool.  We don’t always snap right into action and connect the dots right way every time but we can have the tools and the awareness to be more effective.

The last sentence of the paragraph sounds very sterile and textbook.  To get more cozy about how I feel about all of this… I really just want to communicate better with my husband.  It isn’t just that I don’t want to upset him but I want to learn more about him and figure out what works.  It sounds like he is interested in doing that same.  It is less about defending who we are and more about understanding who we are.  I don’t think anyone wants to be ashamed of their personality type.  In fact, it may be that I take so much pride in it that it can fail me for that reason.  The awareness is key.  If we don’t take the time to see that we move on and get nowhere.  I have be happy with the book and the findings.  At first, I scoffed at being called ‘melancholy’ but that’s just like a ‘melancholy’ to react that way.  It isn’t a bad thing.  I think Mason has had similar revelations about himself.  He read the sentence: ‘Is usually right’ and grinned the biggest grin I’ve seen him grin.  He has seen the good qualities and felt validated.  He has also seen the not as great qualities like being impatient and made him aware that might be something he can be aware of and manage.  With Mason, he is also looking at ways to work better with his afternoon radio show co-host.  His co-host, Remy, scored highest in a personality type in the book I haven’t even covered in this post because Mason and I scored the lowest in the personality type Remy scored highest in.  That is how different we can all be.

I recommend the book.  ‘Personality Plus’ is an easy read.  It is enlightening and you can learn a lot from it.  Ever since I read it I have been thinking about friends I have and which personality type they would fit into.  My friend Wendy came over last week and took the quiz too.  It’s been fun too.  I think it is something we can focus on and not argue about the content.  It is informative and structured, for the Perfect Melancholy and it is factual and straightforward for the Powerful Choleric.  It isn’t just for couples either, it is an investigation into personalities and applicable to everyone you know.  I know some people are really into quizzes and categories.  I know some people are not.  Putting labels on things doesn’t always solve problems but I do think it can help us better define issues and find resolve.  I do think when we realize we share certain traits we can better identify similarities and find a common bond.  We can find empathy and be mindful of how we treat each other.

I recommend the book.  Try it out and learn more about who you are and what personality type you scored the highest in.  I would love to know how you scored.

Cringe, Laugh, Cry and Other Reasons You Should See the Movie, Eighth Grade

One of the most perplexing things about the movie, ‘Eighth Grade’ is its R rating.  Why would you make a movie about eighth graders and give it an R rating?  Is this a movie that we aren’t supposed to take our kids to see or what’s the point of that?  The interviews I’ve watched, with writer/director, Bo Burnham, suggests the reasoning behind the R rating is because eighth grade is R rated.  13 year old kids say the F word, probably more than we would like.  There are subject matters we, as parents, may hope that our kid isn’t exposed to at this age but, it’s just not the truth.  I remember hiding things from my parents.  I wasn’t always honest about how my friends spoke or what we were talking about at that time.  I feel as if this movie brings to light the ambiguity that exists between teens and parents.  I think it even fosters communication on how to clos that gap, if even just slightly.

In an interview with Seth Meyers, Bo Burnham states, “I think we are going through an eighth grade moment as a culture.”  Yes.  Inspired by this statement because we are.  Adults on the internet acting like children.  We see ourselves in these eighth grade characters.  The lead character, Kayla, played brilliantly by Elsie Fisher, takes Snapchat filtered pictures and scrolls endlessly through various social media apps just watching videos and liking posts.  I do these things too.  I do these things now.  Sometimes, as parents, we lack empathy.  We have been there, in some ways, we are still there.  We can relate and connect with our kids.  This movie promotes those connections and why they are so important.

We took our son, Keaton, to see ‘Eighth Grade.’ He wanted to see the movie and asked what my thoughts were on that.  I didn’t immediately say yes.  I was skeptical about the R rating and wanted to research and find out more about why the R rating was attached to this title.  Keaton sent me a video, soon after our conversation, it was ‘kids react to the movie ‘Eighth Grade.’  It was very convincing.  The kids who were responding to this movie were Keaton’s age and younger.  The feedback they shared was very intelligent, heartfelt, and genuine.  After I watched the video he sent, I read an article posted by Liz Gumbinner of Cool Mom Picks.  Her post was so informative.  It included parts of the movie that may cause concern and also reasoning as to why it is suggested to go see the movie with your teenager.  I think, in some ways, I needed a wake up call that movies like this shouldn’t be hidden from your kids but rather used as a tool for conversations and reflection.

I didn’t cry throughout the entire movie but I did feel emotional during the movie and I cried a lot.  I recommend brining a tissue or two.  I actually ripped the one I brought in half and gave half to my husband.  As an adult, you watch this movie and it totally brings you back to eighth grade and how scary it was.  There is a pool party scene and the way it all comes together makes you understand Kayla because you were Kayla.  (I was Kayla, anyway, I can be honest about that.)  Kayla is the daughter of a single dad, played by Josh Hamilton, and the relationship she has with her dad is also very real.  There were ways the two of them interacted that reminded me of interactions I’ve had with my son.  There is a scene where Kayla’s dad speaks with her by a fire in the backyard and it is incredibly profound.  I don’t know if you realize what the love between a parent and child feels like until you see a scene like this.

There are scenes, however, that will make you uncomfortable.  As you watch it, you wonder what is going to go wrong and to what extent and how will I react to this before you even see the resolution.  The scenes provide material for discussion.  We had dinner after the movie and we talked about our thoughts about those uncomfortable scenes.  The topics aren’t necessarily what we discuss on an everyday basis.  This movie gave us the opportunity to open those channels of communication and, hopefully, build trust.  Growing up, I talked to my mom about practically everything.  I want that with my son too.  I want him to be comfortable talking to me and asking me question and not hide who he is as he changes and matures.

There are many beautiful things about the movie.  The characters are perfectly flawed.  This includes the kids as well as the adults.  The soundtrack is lovely and strangely aligned with this time and this story.  The awkward moments are relatable and funny.  We laughed for so many moments.  We also cried.  I like that the movie included, not only, the victories but also losses.  The realistic interpretation of this time and space were balanced and accurate.  I have a lot of respect for this kind of writing and directing because it is real.  I can relate to it and it doesn’t sell the eighth grade experience short at all.  Of course, I hope, potentially as a result of seeing this movie, my son sees some of these characters and finds connection.  Adversely, I hope he looks at some of these characters and thinks: I am not going to be like that.

I recommend ‘Eighth Grade’ highly.  If you are a parent of an eighth grader like me or if you have been through the eighth grade, you will find something in this movie that speaks to you.  I have a memory of cutting through the neighbors’ backyards over to my friend Heather’s house and thinking: ‘I’m 13 and I’m always going to remember being 13.’ and in many ways, you will.

This Week and Why My Friends Are the Best.

I listened to an episode of a podcast called, ‘Unladylike’ today.  The subject was ‘female friendships.’  It was truly interesting and inspiring to hear stories of friendships and some of the reasoning behind how important they are and why we maintain these friendships.  I do not want to short change the friendships I have with males because those also rock and I am thankful for all of my friends, both male and female.  I am thankful for those friends I met a very long time ago and friends I have met more recently.  I want to make that clear up front, all of my friends are super cool and valued.

Lately, I have been thinking about my female friendships, however, as I have moved back to my hometown and I have been able to reconnect with friends I had from very young.  These are the friends who knew you from the very beginning.  I’m certain the roads weren’t always clear and with unicorns and rainbows either but, for whatever reasons, we remained friends and it is very cool to have that.

This past week was especially filled with great conversations with friends and I felt so relieved and comforted.  I don’t consider myself incredibly social and, if fact, I would say I am more selective when it comes to friends.  All of my friendships through the years haven’t all survived but, for the ones that have, I’m not surprised.  It all makes sense to me.

On Saturday, of last week, Mason and I saw our friend, Bea get married and it was a lovely thing.  I saw her walk out in her wedding dress looking the happiest I’ve seen her and I felt joyful in that moment for her and for her new husband, Kris.  I was brought back to a hilarious moment Bea and I had the night before my wedding.  She hung out my bridesmaids and I in our hotel room, she picked me up and gave me three or four spanks while we all uncontrollably laughed.  It was one of the most funny and bizarre thing that has ever happened to me.  I don’t think I could forget it if I tried.  Her wedding was lovely and small and perfect.  I’m happy we could share that moment with her.  I was reminded of how fun our friendship is and how important she is to me.

Before Bea’s wedding on Saturday morning, I went to the Farmers’ Market with my friend Erin.  It has been refreshing and therapeutic to get to know Erin again.  She’s so funny and enlightening.  I am happy to be her neighbor again and I’ve written about her before but it doesn’t hurt to state, again, how thankful I am for her and her family being so near.  Even thought I had sunscreen in my eye and I led us the wrong way for a good minute and a half or more, she remained comfy and cool.

Sunday night was going to see the “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” documentary with my friend, Angie.  I met Angie when I joined a band with her husband, Eric.  We have been friends for quite a long time now and I feel our likenesses has really helped me cope with things I had struggled with in the past.  There is something comforting about knowing you are not alone and I got this vibe from my friendship with Angie and it is something for which I am thankful.  The movie was so good.  That is a whole other post on its own.  I am happy we were able to go see it.  I was lifted up from an emotional drive.  It’s amazing how friends can do that.

Monday morning was a long drive.  My friend, Christin, gave me a call to chat.  Christin and I have been through a lot together – it would seem anyway.  We were neighbors in Naperville and podcast co-hosts.  We have embraced similar philosophies and find ways to make each other laugh about just about everything.  It was so great to catch up with her and share where we are now and what is happening.  Even though I no longer live in Naperville, I am happy I was able to get to know Christin the way I do now while I was living there.  I think our conversation was three and a half hours and it flew by.  I was about to explode about a few stressful topics and she shared similar frustrations with me.  Having that validation is huge and so important.  I’m hoping we are always able to check in every now and again to be able to chat it out.

On Tuesday, it rained and I stayed inside for most of the day.  I do have a friend to talk about and it isn’t a female friend, but it is my husband, Mason.  We did celebrate Taco Tuesday this weekend and we visited Taqueria Z in downtown Edwardsville.  I’m happy he wanted to give it a try because it is new, to us, and we were not sure what to expect.  The place was small and quaint.  The service was warm and tacos were fantastic.  I loved the al pastor the most.  The margaritas were strong and we had a really great time together.  I appreciate Mason’s support with the friendships I have too.  Since we moved, I have been able to see friends I haven’t seen in so long and he has been very positive about all of it.  We could catch up with each other after feeling busy and distant.  It felt good.  I think noting how good it feels to be out with him means a lot because it is something that should not be forgotten.  I value Mason’s friendship and I feel I should hide this in here somewhere too.

Wednesday I met up with my friend, Heather at Bann Thai.  This place was quite cute.  I have been hoping to find a cool Thai place in town.  Erin suggested it and she hasn’t been wrong even once.  So, yet again, Bann Thai proved to be quite awesome and super yummy.  It was truly heartwarming to have lunch there with Heather.  I have known Heather since – well, should I admit how long we’ve known each other?! a long time. I believe we met when we were in first grade.  I would cut through neighbor’s backyard to hang out with Heather as she lived one street over.  She had Nintendo and we played many, many games of Legend of Zelda, Mike Tyson’s Punchout and Spy Hunter.  Her family felt like my family.  It felt so great to be able to catch up and hear all about her kids and her husband now.  She’s still hilarious and laughing with her brought me back to being 12 years old again.  It was really great.  Knowing she grew up to be an awesome adult makes me happy.

Thursday, I had lunch and an afternoon hang out with my friend, Wendy.  I’m sure I’ve written about her before too – still, whenever we get together I am reminded how cool it is to reflect and know you are accepted and appreciated.  We had lunch, picked out cupcakes and took a personality quiz.  It was a great day and I can’t believe we are neighbors again.

I was supposed to see my friend, Marcie today and I had to cancel due to an unexpected schedule change but that time will be here next week.  I usually don’t have that much friend time in one week so, I was surprised with the time I did have and it was awesome.

The podcast topic of female friends did inspire me to write about this and, how suiting, for the week I’ve had.  I felt that writing about it would be another way to express my thanks and also just be in these moments where you take time to reflect on the friends I have and how important friendships are.

 

Oh, You Pretty Things: Top 20 Bowie Songs

I would love to admit that I was a David Bowie fan as a kid, but that isn’t the truth.  I actually started listening to Bowie more intensely when I was an adult.  I first heard his hit songs from the 80s like: Let’s Dance and Modern Love and I liked the songs a lot but I didn’t quite truly connect with him as an artist until I had the interest to travel back in time and explore his catalog to see what lies underneath.

I started my first band in 2003 or 2004 and that is when I started noticing the iconic songbook of David Bowie.  I just became really drawn to him.  He’s magnetic, quite frankly, and hard to not notice.  His songwriting is complex and his voice is one-of-a-kind.  He performs with a confidence that is so cool, you want to be him.  The risks he had taken, creating inventive characters, gender bending, and never quite looking like the same person twice, he was a creative force no one could touch.

Below, I have listed my favorite Top 20 David Bowie songs.  The songs are ranked in order of what each song means to me.  I hope you enjoy,  I would love to hear about your favorite bowie songs to: ohalchemygirl@gmail.com, on Twitter @ohalchemygirl or leave a comment.

20. Absolute Beginners
The song begins with a gorgeous key change before he even begins singing.  The intro is so lovely, I feel swept away without even hearing what he has yet to say.  The lyrics are subtle but carefree and powerful, “As long as we are together, the rest can go to hell.”  It’s romantic and fierce, still, he makes it sound effortless… and you believe every word.

19. I’m Afraid of Americans
1997 brought the David Bowie/Nine Inch Nails collaboration, “I’m Afraid of Americans.”  It is jarring and relevant, the song is catchy and creepy.  Even in the late 90s David Bowie was evolving and fitting in perfectly with Trent Reznor.  The topic seemingly controversial but yet, possibly has more meaning today in 2018 than it did in 1997.

18.  Moonage Daydream
I heard this song on the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack first, to be honest.  It is dreamy and ethereal.  I would have liked to discover the song before GOTG but, at least I discovered it at all.  It has become one of my favorite tracks on the soundtrack.  It sounds space age and crazy.  It rocks but it feel orchestral too.  It is a Ziggy Stardust song and it all makes sense to me.

17. Ashes to Ashes
It’s weird but on brand for Bowie, it’s a son that is a clear favorite among Bowie fans.  I watched a video fromm 2000 where he performs the song. “I’m happy – hope you’re happy too.”  The song has an amazing bass line.  It’s simply great.

16. Young Americans
There are very few artists as cool as David Bowie.  He exudes cool.  He adopted this American music style you can hear in this song.  The chorus singing, ‘Allllll right.’  The saxophone wailing away in background.  Just listening to this song makes me feel a little cooler.  The song is on the Reality Bites soundtrack, a movie I came to live written around the time when I needed a movie like Reality Bites.  And, yes, my favorite part of the song is either the callback to ‘I heard the news today, oh boy’ or ‘the one dance song that can make me – break down and cryyyy.’  He’s a genius.

15. Rebel, Rebel
That guitar riff is all you need.  It is a rock star’s rock song.

14. Sufffragette City
The song has motion.  The repeating, ‘hey man’ is infectious.  Of course everyone’s favorite part of the song is: ‘Wham Blam Thank you M’aam.”  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t sing it when listening to the song.  I could be in a deep conversation and have to stop it to sing along with that part.  It’s like he is requesting you to do so without even asking.

13. Changes
I wish my parents would have listened to Bowie growing up.  I think I would have really been into his music much sooner.  “And these children that they spit on as they try to change their world/they’re immune to your consultation/they’re quite aware of what they are going through.”  I think this lyric means the most to me.  There are kids going through so much today – that are completely aware.  Some are activists and these kids are changing our future for the better.

12. The Man Who Sold the World
I am going to be honest with you, in that, the Nirvana cover of David Bowie’s ‘The Man Who Sold the World” is the first version of this song I had heard.  I still adore the Nirvana ‘Unplugged’ version very much.  It was a brilliant interpretation.  It is memorable and haunting and everything, I think, David Bowie would want in a cover of the song.

11. Fame
That ridiculously cool guitar riff that is the heart and soul of this song makes is stand out.  It is the driving force of the song.  I feel like Bowie could sing about anything over it and it would be a successful song. Musician, Carlos Alomar came up with this fantastic riff.  The writing credits for the song go to David Bowie, Carlos Alomar, and John Lennon.  You may have heard of that third guy listed as a writer on the song as well.

10. Starman
It is time to be real with you again… I first heard the song, “Starman” as a cover by the band, Mates of State.  I loved it.  I encourage you to listen to the Mates of State cover of “Starman” if you haven’t already, it’s so good.  It was as if the universe was pointing me to David Bowie and it took me way too long to realize it.  He wrote so many songs that so many other musicians wanted to duplicate.  I get it.

9. Golden Years
I was familiar with this song, I believe, before I saw it in the movie, ‘A Knight’s Tale’ but I think it was seeing it brought to life in a dance scene with Heath Ledger that I came to appreciate the song as much as I do now.  Being able to see Bowie’s songs so intricately woven into pop culture has been a delight – to say the least.

8. Modern Love
I’m sure David Bowie has been called a chameleon before.  There was the Ziggy Stardust character and there was the 80s David Bowie in the big suit and undone necktie.  He seemed to evolve with the changing times.  Each time, he was able to accomplish that perfectly.  Every stage, he personified that era and made it his sound for that time.  “Modern Love” is no exception.  It is this upbeat, fun, pop tune that embraces the 80s in a whimsical way that you treasure.

7. Life on Mars?
In each band I’ve been in we take time to solicit which songs we want to cover.  The guitar player, Eric, in our band, Elk-Like, suggested ‘Life on Mars?’ and we never added it to our playlist but I always wish we did.  I didn’t know the song very well.  I listened to it after he suggested it and discovered its beauty.  Some of the best songs I have discovered have been a part of a potential cover song list submitted by a band mate.  This is one of those songs.

6. Under Pressure
A collaboration and it does indeed count, ‘Under Pressure’ has become one of the most iconic rock songs of all time.  Have you heard the isolated vocals of this one? Wow.  I remember listening to this song as a kid and liking it quite a bit.  I remember listening to this song as a adult and crying.  It has a different meaning when you start to feel the lyrics because you have experienced them.  A beautiful collaboration that was meant to be.

5. Space Oddity
This song is so high on the list, mostly, for it’s incredibly strength and the fact the song is so recognizable.  “And I’m floating in a most peculiar way and the stars look very different today.”  There are so many lyrics in this song that are so lovely I can’t possibly get the all down in this description.

4. Oh, You Pretty Things
I stumbled across ‘Oh, You Pretty Things’ somehow.  I think I was listening to a David Bowie’s greatest hits album.  I had never heard the song before and I was immediately attracted to it.  The stripped down piano.  The way his singing plays around each note.  It reminds me of a Sgt. Pepper song or something really fanciful but also very simple. The song is so high on my list because it had such a significant impact on me from the very first time I heard I it.

3. Let’s Dance
I could listen to this song a million times and never tire of it.  Something about it, to me, truly embodies who David Bowie is.  It is suave, sexy, bold song that makes to want to sway.  I like the backing vocals, I like the guitar riff, I like the screaming edge of the chorus, everything.  I watched a video of Nigel Rodgers talking about when he met David Bowie.  He seemed to have this way of choosing these phenomenal musicians to work with him because he knew how to make magic.  Nigel Rodgers collaboration with David Bowie and that very distinct guitar riff is magical.

2. Ziggy Stardust
January 10, 2016, I woke up and read all of these sad words about David Bowie passing.  I had to verify this was true I could not believe it.  I went into work, parked the car in the parking garage, turned off the ignition and cried.  I cried, sitting in my car thinking of this loss.  I was so shaken by this news.  It was too early and he was too surreal to experience death.  Something didn’t seem right.  I’ve only cried twice, so far, when a rock star passed away, George Harrison being the other rock star.  I rank Ziggy Stardust at number 2 because the song is so very David Bowie.  He was Ziggy Stardust.  He was surreal and also a real person.  I will hear this song and always think about how I was feeling that day and the impact he had on me by brining so much joy into my life and the lives of so many others.

1 Heroes
Here we are at the top of the list and it is, “Heroes.”  This song means a lot to me because, it is a tremendous song.  I get teary eyed just thinking about it.  Also, it was chosen to be part of my wedding.  The orchestral version of “Heroes” by Vitamin String Quartet played as our four bridesmaids and groomsman walked down the aisle in September of 2015.  There is so much hope and love in this song.  One of my bridesmaids, Emily Todino, passed away earlier this year.  She battled with cancer for over 20 years.  She is a fighter and she is a hero.  She will always be in my heart along with this song.  That moment and that beautiful day.  “We can be heroes just for one day.”

The Cure: Top Twenty Five

Early on I seemed to want to be defined by the music I loved.  I truly adored The Cure.  Especially pay attention to the third picture at the bottom right sitting in front of the poster of Robert Smith. I have two stories of how I was introduced to The Cure.  The first story gives credit to my older brother, Tim.  Tim played guitar and I would often bother him in his room when he was playing songs and we would chat about the songs he was playing.  I remember him learning how to play ‘Inbetween Days’ by The Cure.  The strumming is fast.  I liked the song even though I didn’t know much about it.  My brother also introduced me to the Smiths and a few other bands I still love to this day so I don’t feel terrible about giving him credit for the discovery.  The second story is where I give credit to a skateboarder I had a crush on in the early high school years named Matt.  I heard the Cure was his favorite band.  I looked into it and maybe my brother was playing Cure songs at the same time, I’m not sure, but it all added up as to why The Cure would now be my new favorite band.

I’ve seen the Cure perform live 4 times.  Two shows in St. Louis and two shows in Chicago.  The first two shows were at, what will always be known as, Riverport Amphitheatre.  Robert Smith wore a Blues hockey jersey for the second show.  The shows were for the Wish tour and the Wild Mood Swings tour, respectively.  The first Cure show was on the lawn and it may be the most memorable show I’ve ever known.  It was also one of the first concerts I truly loved.  The third show was at Rosemont and the Cure was playing a lot of songs from Head in a Door but still managed their usual over 3 hour show.  The most recent show was in 2016.  Mason went with me and we saw them play in Chicago.  It was indoors, thankfully because the July heat, and it was amazing.  Each show was very long and very emotional.

So, why did I connect with the Cure?  I was in high school, need I say more?  They were the perfect band for me to identify with as I didn’t feel like Top 40 really did anything I liked.  I was an outcast, in a way.  I was quiet around large groups of people.  I didn’t go to the big high school parties (I wasn’t invited) and I wasn’t interested in sports or being popular.  I wrote poems. I had a close knit group of friends, maybe 5 or 6 of us tops.  I loved music.  I loved words.  Robert Smith was someone who, I felt, didn’t care what you thought.  He wore eyeliner.  He wrote about beauty in sadness and he had a voice that was incredibly unique.  He is British!  To me, there was so much to love.  I still feel this way as proof to when I saw them perform in 2016 and you could have sworn it was 1993.

I think it has taken me this long to rank Cure songs because it was very difficult.  I feel as if these songs are so personal and giving them a ranking feels weird.  At the same time, it’s a fun way to make the time to listen to the songs again and put some thought into it as to why they rank the way they do.  The disclaimer, as usual, the songs ranked by using criteria that speaks to me.  So, the songs meant something to me at a certain time for a specific reason and therefore, made it onto the list.  I decided on a Top 25.  This is just where my brainstorming stopped and it felt right.  I hope you enjoy the list and the explanations, as always, thank you so much for reading.

25. From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea
The Cure is known for their lengthy songs and their lengthy song titles.  ‘From the Edge of the Green Sea’ fits nicely into both of these categories.  I have always thought of Robert Smith as a storyteller as well as a vocalist and musician.  He tells these intricate stories with each song and especially songs like this song.  It feels like a story being told that is accompanied by music.  He paints pictures ‘we watch the sun come up from the deep green sea.’  Absent are the typical song rhymes.  Some words rhyme and some just linger and dissipate into the rest of the song.  This one, I love so much, because of the emotion.  The guitar drives along with the narrator into some blissful space only the Cure can create.  It both beautiful and heartbreaking, all seven plus minutes of it.

24. Grinding Halt
I saw The Cure perform ‘Grinding Halt’ on the tail end of the song, ‘Jumping Someone Else’s Train’ and just loved it.  It is so punk rock and I love that vibe for the Cure because it is indicative of their early years.  Anyone who may wonder what type of guitarist Robert Smith is should watch the video for ‘Grinding Halt’ because he is amazing.  The bass line in the song is equally impressive.  This is the type of song I would listen to when I wanted to show off how cool I thought I was.

23. Like Cockatoos
Another reason my adoration for the Cure was so hyper was due to the fact that several of my close friends were also into them.  I remember listening to Cure albums with my friend, Erin.  I remember talking about my favorite Cure songs with my friend, Kelly.  I remember watching Cure videos with Wendy and picking our favorites.  The album, ‘Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me’ stands out so much because it was bold and loud.  The entire album is a classic and a masterpiece, in my opinion.  The song, ‘Like Cockatoos’ doesn’t follow any sort of formula.  It starts with wind chimes are rain or a sound that could mimic cackling cockatoos.  The vocals don’t begin until several measures of the song when about one minute and a half has passed.  Robert Smith tells a story with no chorus and maybe one or two verses that live together and are bookmarked by intro and outro music that seems spectacular.

22. Friday, I’m in Love
I have some feelings about this song.  As a lifetime Cure fan, one does.  It was a song I was endeared to because others liked it so much.  I remember asking on Facebook for friends to name their favorite Cure song and my friend, Christin posted, “Friday, I’m in Love.”  I love this about her.  It was a song I felt so ‘meh’ about because of it’s popularity but is that a good enough reason to not like a song?  It brought so many people so much joy.  It is a downright delightful song and the audience lit up whenever it was played.  I started hearing the song differently after Christin mentioned it was her favorite song.  I embraced it’s success for the Cure and I started loving how it was associated with Friday too.

21. High
The Cure has also been known for writing goth songs that sound grim and dark.  What a lot of people don’t know if the Cure writes the loveliest love songs too.  ‘High’ is adorable and heartfelt.  I feel like I’m somewhere in the clouds when I listen to it.  Robert Smith sings with a pleading earnestness and expresses how fortunate he feels to see the love of his life so happy.  It has always been a single that I have been grateful for, myself.

20. Play for Today
‘Seventeen Seconds’ isn’t the most popular album by The Cure but it is one of the most telling.  The melodies, the vocals, everything about the song is early Cure at their very best.  It is a rock song reminiscent of Joy Division or New Order.  There is something very special about it that feels angry and comfortable.

19. Disintegration
Maybe the album The Cure is best known for, ‘Disintegration’ and the title track, are astounding to me.  I love every moment of it.  The title track also opens the album and you don’t even notice it is over 8 minutes long.  This is a song the Cure was meant to write.  I remember listening to this album after parties out at our friend Jason’s house during the last years in high school.  The bridge of the song is maybe it’s most powerful attribute.  Something that sets apart the Cure from other bands is in the bridge.

18. Lullaby
Also from the album, ‘Disintegration’ the song, ‘Lullaby.’  Very popular song for The Cure and it is clear as to why.  The song is creepy but it’s also, somehow, fun.  Robert Smith paints the picture of someone who is very aware that he is being eaten by a giant spider or spider-type-creature.  He describes the happening in three acts, letting the listener in on every treacherous detail.  I like how it has the ability to be a scary song without screaming in your face.  It is smarter than that.

17. The Perfect Girl
I like the realness of this song.  The lyrics aren’t saying you are perfect for being what society would define as perfect.  The lyrics state how the girl is strange and makes him, perhaps, a little crazy.  He loves he so much he doesn’t know what do.  It is an unconventional love song that I connect with it.  I was very fond of the song showing up in a live set because it didn’t happen all that often.  It felt very handpicked for me when it did happen and I like that feeling. There is something very personal about the song.  I think it is a favorite amongst those Cure fans who are truly Cure fans.

16. Plainsong
There aren’t really words on how gorgeous this song is but I will do my best with a description and/or explanation.  Another luminous intro as the song begins.  The listener is hypnotized by the sway of the guitar and the off beats of the percussion.  We are two and a half minutes into the song, this time, and we finally hear Robert Smith begin singing.  It is almost as if he is reciting a poem and there is this echo that follows his voice as if you are dreaming.  the song is very powerful with such a scant amount of lyrics.  There is no chorus and there is no mention of the title.  The song rushes over you like a river current and then, before you are ready for it, it ends.

15.  Let’s Go to Bed
Simple enough.  The song is pop heavy and yet has an edge.  When the Cure wasn’t punk rock they were pop new wave or punk pop new wave.  The song is fun and fluid.  The bass line gallops around and seems to have as much fun as Robert Smith sounds like he is having singing it.  Smith sings, ‘you think you’re tired now, but wait until 3’ and, for whatever reason, this line sticks out and has stayed with me for years.  It is a crowd favorite and always a treat to hear the band play it live.

14. Primary
From the album, ‘Faith’ known for being dark and brooding, the song, ‘Primary’ is on my list at number 14.  I absolutely love the guitar in this.  There is an alien quality to it almost like they are playing underwater or falling further down as it is being played.  At this time, 1985, Robert Smith is performing on Top of the Pops.  He sports a ‘flock of seagulls’ -esque hair style and continuously strums his guitar.  He starts wearing eye liner here and barely looks up when he sings.  When he does look up it is coy and mysterious.  If you don’t understand the song, it is probably for the better and if you do, you want more of it.

13. Jumping Someone Else’s Train
I am also in love with this particular song.  It rocks.  The bass line is brilliant and every piece makes this work.  The term ‘jumping someone else’s train’ happens all the time.  Being in the creative person’s world you see so much idea stealing and many statements that aren’t authentic because of the idealism of fake personas to be liked or admired.  It seems people will do anything to be better than their neighbor or counterpart or even a stranger.  “Don’t say what you mean you might spoil your face/If you walk in a crowd you won’t leave any trace.”  What a way to open a song.  There’s so much energy it never ceases it is exciting from start to finish much like a train as it begins and ends it’s journey.

12. Close to Me
I read the comments on a You Tube video for this song and it read, ‘makes my heart feel huge.’  YES.  I second that.  I listen to the start of this song and it brings me chills and good vibes.  As much as Robert Smith has made a name of being a goth king of sorts, it sure fills me with joy to hear him sing a happy tune.  This is a happy tune in only the way the Cure can write one.  “I wish I stayed asleep today” in the lyrics and we still want to dance around to it over and over again.  I never tire of this song.  It’s a lighthouse.

11. A Forest
A Cure classic, ‘A Forest’ is from the ‘Seventeen Seconds’ album.  The name alone is frightening.  The song isn’t a departure from what you might conjure up in your mind without hearing a single note.  It is about someone looking into the trees in a forest who is looking for someone.  The persistent drum beat would let you believe the person is running because that is the sound of the percussion and the rest of the band follows that lead.  Robert Smith as storyteller with an echo sings about someone being lost and someone else looking for her.  It is real?  Is she real?  It is such a cool song you could get lost in it.

10. The Caterpillar
So, there are a few vocal tricks I’ve found out I can do and one of them is sing, ‘flicker flicker flicker flicker flicker flicker flicker flicker, here you are! Cat-ta-cat-ta-cat-ta-cat-ta cat-ta cat-ta cat-ta, Caterpillar Girl!” It is very fun.  This song is playful and it makes me smile.  The jubilant piano that has no melody and the violin the is barely played.  Everything is so intentional and quite mesmerizing. I have a great memory of getting out with my friend, Rachel and hearing this song.  I think it brought tears to my eyes.  We both absolutely adore Robert Smith and the Cure.  I think hearing the song brought us some sort of comfort that we didn’t know we needed.

9. Why Can’t I Be You?
Unconventional love song, to say the least.  It is this bizarre, almost stalker-like song about someone the narrator wants to be.  Robert Smith sounds are abundant.  Is it satirical? Is it true feelings?  We may never know.  I could see the song being intended either way.  It could be intended for someone you really quite detest.  The more unsure I am about the song, the more I like it.  Plus, it is very danceable.

8. Catch
I like singing along with Robert Smith on this one and even harmonize when it works.  It is a ballad but not.  It is this delicate song that is about getting hurt. The violin and the way Robert Smith starts singing the song, it is almost as if he is falling down a lot too.  It is a this short and sweet song that I find so lovely whenever I hear it.  It is a funny and maybe odd way to recall someone and the song reassures it’s fine to do so.  Something about “I’d sometimes even try to catch her but never even caught her name” seems too clever to not be in a song.

7. Lovecats
I don’t know what a ‘lovecat’ is even after listening to this song a million and a half times.  The song is pop or rock or jazz?  The song has an undefinable quality to it.  It isn’t the song I would put on a mix tape to introduce someone to the Cure yet it’s one of my all-time favorite Cure songs.  I like how weird it is.  I wouldn’t say it is a radio song but yet every Cure fan is familiar with it.

6. Fascination Street
I was in high school when I noticed a sign I made was hanging up in my Spanish teacher’s classroom.  The small sign was white with black lettering and it read: Fascination Street.  I recognized the sign because I made it.  It must’ve fallen out of my locker and was confiscated by my Spanish teacher.  I made it look very ‘Cure’ by coming up with my own font that suited the mood and the feel of the band and the song.  I chatted with Senior River and asked him where he found it.  He said he found it outside his classroom door.  He liked it so he put it up.  I told him I made it.  He asked if I wanted it back and I said I didn’t.  I liked it there.

5. Lovesong
Quite possibly the most beloved song by the Cure, ‘Lovesong’ is very recognizable and the most covered. I remember I was at work and someone I worked with commented on how much she liked ‘lovesong’ by Adele.  I almost lost my mind.  Instead, however, I calmly let her know it was originally a song by the Cure and Adele had covered it.  I added that I am certain the cover by Adele was delightful.  Robert Smith’s wedding present song to his wife became everyone’s lovesong.  Just for the record, I listened to the Adele cover and it’s okay.  I don’t hate it.

4. Boys Don’t Cry
It is one of the most simple and poignant songs the Cure has written.  The narrator pleads with the listener about how sad he is and yet there is this horrific moral standard he has to be kept to because of his gender.  How unfair and sad.  I always wanted to sing this as a girl and keep the lyrics as they are just to reframe it.  The song will be a fan favorite forever.

3. Just Like Heaven
My band actually did cover this song.  My first band, Theory of Brides, played the song live a few times at shows.  I loved singing it and paying homage to this band that felt like it loved me back.  ‘Just Like Heaven’ is a song that I can hear on the radio and not turn the station.  The song can play out in public and I will take time to sing along or just listen to it.  There is a beauty in the song that makes is unlike any pop song I’ve heard.

2. Inbetween Days
Inbetween Days or ‘In Between Days’ is at number 2 because it is a song that is hard to touch.  I rank the song so high because my brother played this song on the guitar for me and I thought it was the coolest thing.  I liked the song a lot and I remember thinking how happy I was that my brother took the time to share that with me.  I feel like I became a Cure fan after all of that happened.  I have this song and my brother to thank for that.

1 Pictures of You
To me, ‘Pictures of You’ is everything you need to know about The Cure.  It is this 8 plus minute ode to happiness, fear, love, heartbreak, sadness, pure joy and any other emotion one can have.  I remember playing the song in the car for my mom.  The song has a two and half minute intro before Robert Smith starts singing that is fairly typical of the Cure.  She said, ‘I liked it a lot before he started singing.’  So, she wasn’t a fan of Robert Smith’s voice, perhaps, but she did show appreciation for the band and the song.  I didn’t take it too personally.  It is one of those painfully lovely things in life.  The relationships that didn’t last but changed us or the path we didn’t take that didn’t break us but made us stronger.  It is a song that wasn’t overplayed but it was a part of every Cure show I attended.  I look forward to hearing it each time.  I still queue it up every now and then, especially during a rainstorm.

Honorable Mentions:
Open
The Cure opened the Wish tour with the song, ‘Open.’  It creeps up on you with an amazing intro as they begin the show.  It is a good shoe gazing song.  I love it.  I saw the concert film ‘Show’ at the Tivoli in St. Louis and it includes everything from this tour.  The film opens with footage Cure fans at the show.  It is very cool.

Hey You
I love ‘Hey You’ it is a track on the ‘Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me’ album many forget about.  It’s loud and there’s a saxophone and barely any lyrics.  It’s great.

How Beautiful You Are
I could put every track on the ‘Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me’ album on this list, actually. It’s a tremendous album.

10:15 Saturday Night
“And the tap drips, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip”

Never Enough
So many reasons to love this song.  One is how much it rocks.

Burn
Song from the Crow soundtrack.  In memory of Brandon Lee.