In Search of Your Authentic Self?

by Alicia

I’ve always felt that I have been drawn to authentic people.  This would be people who have a genuine sense of self.  The things this person does and says speaks true to who this person is.  You never question their motives.  You feel at ease when talking with them and even comforted, in some cases, because their presence is truly human and lovely.

When we lack our sense of authenticity, we lose a that sense of self.  The confidence in who we truly are.  So, where did it go? Name basically any experience in growing up and you will have your answer.  We lose our authenticity when we are made fun of in class or when we are told being quiet and shy is wrong.  We lose our authenticity when we try to impress others and by doing things we wouldn’t normally do with our better judgement.  This is a process everyone goes through.  We have to fit in to a role that we may or may not completely naturally embody.  I remember my first day working in the corporate world.  I didn’t like the name badges we had to wear.  I didn’t like the cubicles we had to work in and I didn’t like the formal way we had to dress everyday.  That said, we conform and we follow the rules.  Rules aren’t a bad thing.  We need to follow rules in order to help others in some cases (wear a mask in public!) but still, we make changes in life to meet the moment.  Being your authentic self and following rules and guidelines are not exclusive.  I think it was learning that a stereotypical corporate culture didn’t really fit me.  That said, you find your people.  I met the best people working in corporate land.  I also met some not so great ones but you surround yourself with those who celebrate you and encourage you by nurturing your authentic self.

So, why am I writing about this?  I want to share my thoughts on ‘authentic self’ and what it means to me.  The photo I included in this post, to me, is my authentic self.  I don’t think your authentic self means showing all of you in your most raw state.  I’ve seen pictures of ‘no make up day!’ so authentic.  Well, is it?  I think your authentic self is how you picture yourself and how you want to be presented.  If you want to wear make up, wear make up.  If you want to use a filter, use a filter.  I don’t think it is inauthentic to want to feel pretty (with or without make up.)

Pandemic life has me thinking about authenticity.  I started out going strong in March with a preparedness ready to do whatever I needed to do to survive and care for my family.  Then, around May and June, I started to feel down.  I was ready to move on, like most everyone else.  I didn’t let up on social distancing and wearing a mask.  I am incredibly thankful school is all online this semester.  Still, I feel the emptiness of the seats at the baseball stadiums and the sadness of my son not truly having the high school experience he (and every student) deserves.  This has been taking a toll on me.  So much so that I have had physical symptoms that have arisen to remind me of how anxious I have become and how stress has become my default.  I couldn’t let it beat me down.  There is too much out there in the world, right now, that is maddening so giving in and feeling the pain of this weight of this crisis isn’t yours and yours alone to bear.

Here’s what I did.  I tried to find out what the heck was happening to me.  A culmination of what has happened is the result of years and years of conditioning.  Moving away from my authentic self for reasons, sometimes, out of my control.  Let’s face it, society paints a picture for us that is not reality.  Decorative throw pillows are not life.  You can have a baby without having a gender reveal party.  You can have a first day of school without holding a sign.  Your picture perfect life is a sham. Okay maybe I went a little too far there…If you authentic self is giving a sign to your kid to hold up on the first day of school and that is important to you, fine.  I think, what I’ve learned, is that it isn’t me. So much of the popular trends I’ve seen are just not of interest to me. The things that feel totally comfortable and ‘normal’ to others I don’t always necessarily connect with — and that’s fine.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As I’ve grown older or “matured” as I call it, I’ve also become humbled and I’ve grown to love my uniqueness (again.)

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  Discovering and living your most authentic life has its consequences.  You are putting it all out there for the world to see.  You are more vulnerable and while some will see this as an endearing quality, others will be offended and possibly flee.  You don’t fit into the mold they were expecting or they don’t believe in what you believe and that’s fine too.  Still, it is a reality you have to accept.  I grew up wanting to be liked.  I didn’t want to disappoint anyone I liked either.  It meant a lot to be to maintain a good relationship to those I cared about but I put this as priority over being my authentic self at times and that is flawed logic.

So, why do it?  It seems obvious that living your authentic self is best.  It simply leads to being happier.  This is just a fact.  It isn’t a switch, however, you can just flip, right? It takes practice and mindfulness.  For me, I’m not all the way there yet.  Grief has become a big part of my life.  It has changed me forever.  I’m aware but I am know I am not my grief.  But all of this requires patience.  That’s probably the toughest thing of all.  We want change and we want it now!  Still, it takes time.  Living this ‘authentic self’ life helps manage grief, anxiety, fear and all that stuff we have accumulated after the years of living on this earth.  Deep feelers – that would be me, those of us who are empaths and tend to move through life we with (what I believe is) a compassionate soul, often suffer the worst.  We take on the sadness and the pain of others because we feel so strongly.  I feel strongly and I think that is a big reason I write songs.

What’s your Point? I think we are all really trying right now, not just to feel ‘normal’ but to feel good.  It has been harder than ever just to feel good.  I don’t think we can achieve pure happiness overnight and would never expect that — but I do think we can light the way with embracing our authenticity.  If it means losing friends and if it means disappointing some, well so be it.  Living our authentic life will mean letting go.  It will also mean showing up… every day, looking in the mirror and being kind to yourself.